This is a common complaint I hear from parents of teens.

“I want to know what’s going on with my teen, what’s important to them, what they think. But they won’t say anything! Or they shrug and say, ‘I don’t know.’ How do I get them to open up?”

First, this is a common phenomenon. Teens are going through the process of separating from parents and becoming more independent. As a result, they may be less forthcoming with parents. Read on to find out why.

Teens want privacy

Teens are figuring things out for themselves. They are going through momentous physical, emotional, and psychological changes at this time. To do so, they need space and privacy.

When I hear parents say things like, “My teen doesn’t have any privacy while they live in my home,” that is, frankly, a horrible message. You can have appropriate rules in place at home, such as rules regarding social media and phone use, and still respect a teen’s privacy.

Teens want to work out problems for themselves

Teens often do not want help from parents because they are motivated to be independent and figure things out for themselves. Yes, parents likely know better because we have more years of experience. But it is imperative that we do not rob our teens of the opportunity to problem-solve for themselves.

So let your teen work it out on their own and tell them that you are available if they need help or want to ask your opinion on something. If your teen is not allowed to flex these skills at home with you, then they will have a more difficult time doing so as adults when parents are not around to advocate for them.

There are certainly times when parents need to step in, even with teens. To know when it’s appropriate to do that in a way that honors your teen’s autonomy, please reach out on maria@lawschoolheretic.com

Teens seek to avoid criticism and overreaction

It may be that when your teen opened up to you in the past, they were met with criticism or emotional overreaction. Clearly, this is an uncomfortable situation.

Have you ever avoided communicating with another adult, maybe a partner or parent or friend, because you knew that they would not approve of what you would communicate, and/or they would criticize you or tell you all the reasons why you were wrong?

And how did you feel when that person reacted in that way?

You likely felt shut down and invalidated.

Think about that next time your teen shares something with you that they know you will not like.

Teens seek to avoid invalidation

Likewise, if the parent dismisses the issue or offers empty reassurances, teens learn that they cannot count on parents for support. When I shared with my mother that I felt bad and didn’t want to go to middle school because I was being bullied for getting good grades, she shrugged, turned away, and said, ‘Just ignore them.’ I quickly learned that I would get no help or support from her, and was left to fend for myself.

Instead, parents can offer support making heartfelt statements such as, “That must be difficult,” “I’m so sorry that happened,” and “I don’t understand why people can be so mean sometimes.” Parents can give their teens full attention when they decide to share something with them. And parents can ask if teens want their help in handling a situation.

How to encourage your teen to talk to you

Do NOT pressure them to talk. Do NOT ask them why they won’t talk. Do NOT even ask them when they will be ready to talk (they probably don’t know!).

Instead, create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up to you.

AND let them know that you are available to talk. It could be as simple as, “You do not have to share if you’re not ready. You don’t even have to share at all. Just know that I am here if you would like to talk about anything, if you have any questions or if you need any help.”

When you do this, and make an invitation to them, you draw your teen toward you instead of pushing them away by pressuring them.

It may feel counterintuitive. However, when you make an invitation to connect and then give them space, they will be much more likely to freely share their experiences with you.

To get more specifics on how to do this, book a discovery call with me here !

Recent studies linking parenting styles to adult self-esteem and adjustment make note of four main parenting approaches.

*Authoritarian parenting – demanding and unresponsive

*Authoritative parenting – demanding and responsive

*Permissive parenting – undemanding and responsive

*Neglectful parenting – undemanding and unresponsive

Of these four types, authoritative parenting is the gold standard, the ideal to which all parents should strive. Authoritative parenting is noted to be both demanding and responsive.

What does it mean to be demanding?

By demanding, we mean that authoritative parents set firm rules and boundaries. Further, those rules and boundaries are not arbitrary, and are in the best interests of the children.

By the way, to understand the difference between a rule and a boundary, and how to set them, check out my video on Boundaries for Parents here.

Parents who institute arbitrary rules that do not benefit the children risk alienating the children and losing the their trust, especially as kids become older and savvier.

What does it mean to be responsive?

Responsive parents:

• Are emotionally available to their kids
• Listen without judgment
• Listen to understand
• Are genuinely interested in and curious about their kids’ experiences
• Emotionally validate their kids’ experiences
• Explain the reasons for the rules and boundaries
• Solicit input and cooperation from kids rather than making unilateral demands.

Responsiveness is key. If responsiveness did not matter in raising kids to be well-adjusted adults, then orphanages would be perfect parents.

In contrast, authoritarian parents do not allow their kids to make their own decisions. Kids who are not permitted to flex their decision-making muscles and boundary-setting at home typically either 1) give up their autonomy to others too easily as adults; or 2) rebel and leave the family fold too early, thereby failing to benefit from parental guidance and support.

On how to get started teaching your adolescents and teens how to have healthy boundaries, see my TEDx talk here.

Benefits of authoritative parenting

Recent studies regarding parenting styles indicate that authoritative parenting leads to kids who have increased self-esteem as adults. Authoritative parenting is also associated with better decision-making and reduced usage of drugs and alcohol. For a sample of these published studies, see here and here.

In a world where teens are experiencing decreased self-esteem and difficulty coping with life’s stressors, the benefits of authoritative parenting are needed more than ever. To learn more about this approach and how I can help your family, email me on maria@lawschoolheretic.com.

Bottom line

While we strive to be authoritative parents, we do not always get it right. I certainly don’t. Many parents tend to be either too permissive or too authoritarian at times. Either tendency is usually rooted in emotional triggers. Either fear or anger, or both.

We’re fallible human beings, not machines. There will be days when we are so tired that we cannot get things right, when we don’t enforce the rules and our boundaries, when we skew too authoritarian or too permissive (something I talk about a lot on my YouTube channel because I tend to be an inconsistent, conflict-avoidant parent who is sometimes too permissive). Authoritative parenting is what we are striving for over the long term.

But it’s not about being perfect parents. It’s about doing our best, rethinking our decisions, and allowing open dialogue with our children.

It’s a good idea for children to do age-appropriate chores at home. Kids learn to be self-sufficient and get a confidence boost. Kids who do chores at home have greater self-esteem as adults.

Nowadays, parents are exhausted, and teens are distracted. What if your teen is resistant to doing chores? What if they constantly complain and you are annoyed and overwhelmed? I’ve been there and have two tips that help.

Assign frequent mini-chore lists

First, give your teen a short (two-to-three task) chore list more frequently instead of a longer list say, once a week. Instead of telling them to do the chores NOW and getting annoyed that they don’t hop to immediately (which, let’s face it, they usually don’t), give them the short written list (or send them a text); and tell them that the chores must be done sometime today by, e.g., 6pm.

Tell them that if the chores are not done by that time, then you will hunt them down at said time and make them do them. If they don’t want you to get involved, they need to do the chores before 6.

Teens want to be independent and don’t like to be told what to do. This strategy supports their independence by giving them the chance to get things done on their own, and on their own time, without involving the parents.

Break tasks down into micro-tasks

Second, break tasks down into micro-tasks. For example, we cook frequently in my house, and I involve my teen all the time. My take is that cooking is an essential life skill.

Teens often don’t have the patience to cook a meal from scratch. But they can chop a vegetable or stir a pot while you do something else in the kitchen, or they can read an ingredient list and gather and measure ingredients.

Even if your teen doesn’t have the patience to cook an entire meal with you, you can teach them certain cooking skills by chunking tasks down. If they resist, tell them, “Please do this one thing, it will only take a minute or two, and then you can go.” That usually motivates them to get the task done and they may have learned something

What other tasks do your teens do regularly?

Or, gasp! ask them to take a walk with you, or to participate in family time? No joke, we call it “forced family time” in my house!

Isn’t it disrespect?

It is easy for us parents to assume that teens are disrespecting us. And yes, nobody likes it when someone else rolls their eyes when they say something. I’ve heard parents say, “An employer wouldn’t tolerate the eye roll!”

Yes, that’s true. But we’re not our teens’ employers. We are their parents. It is not (and should not be) the same relationship. I have an alternative way of framing the eye roll, one that does not assume disrespect and that preserves the parent-teen relationship.

What does the eye roll really mean?

First, a teen’s eye roll communicates to us that they are comfortable doing this in front of us. They feel safe conveying that they are annoyed. Would you be comfortable doing this if you were yelled at every time? Probably not (or you would hide the eye roll, and parents would miss this piece of communication).

Second, they are rolling their eyes because it’s a way of communicating opposition to and differentiation from parents. And guess what? That is developmentally normal for teens at this time in their lives. It doesn’t mean that it’s not frustrating for parents. It’s tied in with the natural separation from parents that teens progressively experience.

Third, deep down teens truly want their parents to fight for them. They want to know that they have unconditional love and support from parents, no matter their behavior or how they treat the parents. Never stop trying to connect. Never stop fighting. Never stop making plans for “forced family time.”

This may seem counterintuitive. After all, why do teens seem to push parents away if they really want closeness? Remember that teens do not yet have the emotional maturity of adults. Also, part of this process is to make sure that parents walk the walk and love their teens no matter what.

Fight for your teen

Teens can be difficult to read. Sometimes they want to act cool and detached, but they are actually having fun and appreciating the presence of the parents. I suggest that you roll with this and do not make comments about how sullen or detached or annoyed the teen seems. Roll with the activity, ask your teen to participate, and have a good time.

A teen I know went on a guided nature hike with his family. His parents told me how his posture and demeanor were not negative or irritated, but they were detached and reserved (arms crossed, didn’t say much, etc.). The parents decided to say nothing about it, and to continue the hike. The guide made a point of asking the teen questions, and the teen gradually participated more. After the hike was over and the family was in the car, the teen said, “That was fun and the guide was really nice.” If the parents had made a big deal about the teen’s detached manner, they would have missed this important piece of information, that the teen got something out of the experience and had actually enjoyed it.

*There’s another lesson in there about how teens tend to cooperate more freely when they feel as if the adult cares about them and their opinions, but that’s for another day

Remember when your kid was a toddler and started to walk everywhere? They wanted to explore, then would come back to you to make sure you were still there. Your teen is similar. They go do their thing, go out with friends or try a new activity, then they test to make sure that the parent is still present, both physically and emotionally (that they still have the “secure base” as psychologists put it). When they feel secure that the parent still loves them, they feel comfortable going out on their own again.

Your teen is testing how you react to them individuating. To them separating from you. Teens may not realize it at first (or until they leave home and are really alone), but this process of separation is difficult for them, too.

Need help?

This process of separating from parents takes place over years. So ask yourself: when your teen comes back to you to make sure you are still emotionally present, and makes a bid for connection such as asking you to watch TV with them or sharing something personal, how do you respond? Because your response is the foundation for the health of the relationship. And I can help. Reach out directly at Work with Me – Law School Heretic

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Do you know what the Number One WORST trait of the Aries parent is? The trait that Aries parents would most benefit from developing? Well, we are going there today.

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and is associated with the first house, the house of self. Aries is a fire sign and a cardinal sign. Aries parents are fierce advocates for their children. Indeed, there is much to love about the Aries parent. Today we’re talking about the top WORST trait.

Click the image below for the video!

This video is at the request of a viewer – Please send me your requests for content by dropping a comment below OR emailing me on maria@lawschoolheretic.com.

Sign up for my mailing list for your FREE parenting tips and planetary transit forecasts and for DEEP DISCOUNTS on readings!

***NEW!!*** Want to book me for an event to speak or to do group readings? Email booking@eighthhouseco.com

BOOK an individual Astrology Reading here!

This zodiac energy combination is an energetic powerhouse that leaves onlookers’ heads spinning, as these two enjoy intellectual discussions, bursts of energy apparently coming from nowhere, and enthusiasm for finding their niche in the group.

I also talk about:
*How to work on your emotional triggers
*The WORST thing you can do to your Aquarius child
*How the double Aquarius dynamic brings the two of you closer

Click the image below for the video!

Sign up for my mailing list for your FREE parenting tips and planetary transit forecasts and for DEEP DISCOUNTS on readings!

***NEW!!*** Want to book me for an event to speak or to do group readings? Email booking@eighthhouseco.com

BOOK an individual Astrology Reading here!

Do you know what the best traits of the Aries parent are? The best traits that you can offer your child? The Number One strength of the Aries parent? Hold on, because we’re going there today.

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and is associated with the first house, the house of self. Aries is a fire sign and a cardinal sign. Aries parents are fierce advocates for their children. Indeed, there is much to love about the Aries parent.

Find out the TOP 3 TRAITS of the Aries parent by clicking the image below:

It is more difficult than ever to be a teenager. Even though you went through this rite of passage yourself, things are different today. Teens feel more pressure to achieve and to find their place in society. All this while dealing with the myriad of distractions that plague us today, pulling us in different directions and demanding our attention. It is easy for them to feel as if they do not have control over their lives.

This feeling of a lack of autonomy contributes to a host of issues, some of which I myself experienced as a teen and talk about openly on my YouTube channel.

Still, parents have the power to combat all of this. There are MANY things we parents can do to raise emotionally healthy teens into responsible, independent adults. I want to share a few of those things today, so read on.

#1 Do not be afraid to let your teen fail

This may seem counterintuitive. What does this have to do with motivation? Well, we cannot always save our teens from the consequences of their own actions. Not only that, it’s not a good idea because they will get used to having someone else to always rescue them. Teens need to figure things out for themselves. They need to deal with consequences and learn to think about and foresee consequences before they act. They cannot learn to do this if we are always swooping in to rescue them.

#2 Stop comparing your teen’s school performance with others

Your teen actually feels DE-motivated when you do this, because it reinforces their insecurity that they are not good enough.

Moreover, a teen who gets straight As in high school is not guaranteed to have a successful, fulfilling, easy life. And the fact that your teen does not get perfect grades does not mean that they will fail at life, or will not be able to deal with life. Focus instead on making sure they have the tools to prioritize and complete tasks; and on whether they are effectively learning material that will serve them in adulthood. Most importantly, focus on creating the relationship where your teen feels comfortable talking to you about anything.

#3 Remember that you are parenting for the long haul

You are not just helping your teen get an A in a class or helping them find the right extracurricular activities to join. You are parenting with the overall relationship and connection in mind. As Gabor Mate says in his book, Hold on to your Kids, the key to raising an emotionally healthy, independent adult is the child’s connection and attachment to parents. When there is a strong attachment and the kids trust the parents, the kids are less likely to get in trouble, more likely to do better in school, and more likely to be self-motivated. A strong attachment allows kids to individuate and become independent.

Focus on being emotionally present with your teens and on spending time with them. I promise that even if it seems as if your teen does not want to spend time with you, they appreciate your efforts and will remember them.

If you have additional questions about these approaches, you can schedule a call directly on my calendar here

Are you a Gemini Mom or Gemini Dad with an Aquarius child? If so, this video is for you! This video also benefits Gemini parents in general.

This video is at the request of a viewer! If you have a request for content you would like to see, please leave a comment below or email me on maria@lawschoolheretic.com

Gemini is ruled by the planet Mercury, and Aquarius is ruled by the planet Uranus. Find out the similarities and differences between these two zodiac signs! Also find out how best to parent your Aquarius child!

I also talk about my personal link to this sign combination, and why it is so special to me

Click the image below for the full video:

You can find my book, Your Gemini Child, at these retailers:
–Audiobook 
–Amazon​
–Barnes & Noble

I am thrilled to announce the publication of The Enlightened Passenger, written by my friend and fellow author and speaker, Corey Poirier.

Corey has been a Tedx speaker FOUR TIMES and is a Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Amazon and B&N best-selling author!

Corey’s book has already been endorsed by Neale Donald Walsch, Lisa Nichols, and Jon Talarico, among others!

The Enlightened Passenger tells the story of Robert, a young businessman who gets more than he bargained for during a flight, in the form of a mysterious and sage seatmate.

This brisk book is a must-read and a wonderful reminder of what we should be paying attention to among a world of ever-increasing constant distractions and shiny objects.

It is also an engaging read with laugh-out-loud funny moments!

Read The Enlightened Passenger with your kids

As I read the book, I paused after each chapter to let the practical lesson sink in. I plan to read it again with my teenager. I highly recommend that parents read The Enlightened Passenger together with their children, as it is a family-friendly read for all ages.

Vital lessons you don’t want to miss!

The lessons from The Enlightened Passenger should be internalized and revisited as timely admonitions to take to heart. In this short book you will learn:

• How to draw more synchronicities into your life for personal and professional fulfillment
• The most important word in the English language
• How to fix your mindset to achieve your goals
• The right way to harness the Law of Attraction
• Why you should use the PLATINUM RULE (not the Golden Rule)
• And more!

GRAB your copy by clicking here!