Photo by Dan Whale on Unsplash

As many of you know, my son is my constant companion and fellow introvert, comedian, traveler, people gazer, assistant chef, card game player, singer/songwriter, astrologer, Netflix watcher, among many other things. We have several humorous convos, and this New Year I decided to summarize the best of from the past three years. Enjoy 🙂

Using humor to distract Mom

Little Man: Can I watch TV after bath?

Me: No, we don’t have time. You’ll go straight to bed.

LM: Well, we’re in Grandma’s house, so I’ll ask her.

Me: (stoops down to his eye level) Little Man, what did I just say?

LM: You know you have a hair in your mouth right now, don’t you?

Me: (laughs).

On Mom’s youthful exploits

LM: Tell me another story about you and Uncle Chris when you were kids.

Me: You mean like the time I convinced him that both of us should drink water from the creek near our house?

LM: (laughs) Really?

Me: Yeah, and he got sick and I didn’t, so I think we all know who has the better immune system now, don’t we?

On falling down and being “cute”

LM: What does the word “embarrass” mean?

Me: Like, when I fell in downtown Bethesda with Aunt Erica in front of all these people. It was so embarrassing.

LM: When you were little?

Me: No, dude, this happened last year.

LM: You’re not supposed to be cute when you’re a grown-up!

Me: I would hardly call that “cute.”

On picking up after Mom

LM: Mommy! That’s it! You are not allowed to shower in my bathroom anymore!

Me: Why? What happened?

LM: I’m tired of picking all your long hairs out of the tub!

Making fun of Mom

Me: Come here, I’m going to zip up your coat.

LM: (proceeds to blindfold his mother with her own scarf) Can you zip up my coat now? You can’t, can you?

Me: (zips his coat blindfolded) I get no respect, I tell you.

Grocery shopping adventures

LM: (rummages around in the refrigerated chicken breasts, shoulder-deep).

Me: What are you doing?!

LM: I dropped my hand sanitizer here.

Me: (shakes head) OMG.

Later…

LM: (leans on paper goods).

Me: I told you not to sit on the products!

LM: I’m not sitting, I’m leaning against them.

Me: Stop being a lawyer’s kid for once in your life!

Later still….

LM: (to Costco employee) can I please have a sample of ravioli for my Mom?

Me: I can’t be too upset with you now.

Mom is a scatter-brain

On a school field trip at the aquarium:

Teacher: Kids, do you know where your adults are?

LM: Mommy!

Me: I’m here!

LM: Mommy, you’re not where you’re supposed to be!

Me: Story of my life, kid. Story of my life.

On who’s in charge

At home…

Me: I need a nap after lunch. We’ll have quiet time.

LM: Nooooo! Anyway, you’re not the boss of me, God is.

I give him this note.

 

 

 

In the car after school

LM: I want to go to my friend’s house.

Me: We can’t just show up at someone’s house. I would have to talk to her Mommy, etc.

LM: Well, text her mommy.

Me: I’m driving. I can’t text and drive.

LM: Well, I’ll drive and you text.

Me: You can’t drive! Do you know how old you have to be to drive?

LM: Then I’ll text and you drive.

Me: Huh?

Sometimes Little Man adults better than I do

In the car, on Interstate 95…

LM: Mommy, look at this?

Me: I can’t look right right because I’m driving on the…the…[having a senior moment…]…

LM: Highway, we’re on the highway.

Me: Yes, thank you.

Lawyering his mother…

Driving Little Man to school, we pass a Krispy Kreme truck.

LM: Mommy! Mommy! Can we go to Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast?

Me: No, dude I made you a stellar breakfast at home, don’t you remember? We had eggs and toast.

LM: Pleeeeease, can we go to DD now?

Me: No.

LM: Please, can we go?

Me: I said no.

LM: Please, please, please, can we go to—-?

Me: Dude, I told you no.

LM: —-school. Can we go to school? Ha HA you said no!!!! So we can’t go to school.

Me: (smh) Holy ——

Traveling internationally, at Customs

LM: What is Customs?

Father: It’s where they check to make sure we haven’t brought any plants or foods, things that could bring diseases to another country.

As they approach the Customs inspector, LM holds up his hands and exclaims, “We only brought toys!”

Customs inspector (playing along): Are you sure you’re only bringing toys?

LM: Yes, we’re sure.

He loves his Mom

LM: Mommy, I hate you. It’s opposite day. I really love you.

LM: (makes me a sandwich) I put four slices of meat and two slices of cheese, with extra love.

The One Ring to Rule Them All

In Spain, he bought a replica of the One Ring from LOTR, which he wears around his neck.

At Grandma’s house, he declares, “I’m six years old, so I can have anything in Grandma’s fridge that I want!”

Me: Hey, who’s in charge here?

LM: (Brandishes The One Ring) This ring!

Me: Well, you’re not wrong.

On Youth

Who’s in Charge?

Little Man: Mommy, let’s play Wii, and I’ll tell you what to do.

Me: What?! No one tells me what to do.

LM: That’s not true. Grandma tells you what to do.

Me: (scoffs) No, she doesn’t. How old am I? I’m an adult; no one tells me what to do.

LM: well, Grandma told you what to do when you were a kid.

Me: Yes, but I’m not a kid anymore.

LM: That’s not true, you’re still young.

Me: (beams) I love you, Little Man.

Back pain

Me: We’re going to the chiropractor before we go home, because my back hurts, because I am old.

LM: Mommy, you are very, very young. You’re only 40.

On awesomeness

I pick him up at school. We’re inside the school…

Me: Come on, dude, I promised to take you to get pumpkins for the house. So go to the bathroom before we leave.

LM: Yay! We’re going to get pumpkins?

Me: Yes.

LM: This is gonna be an awesome day!! (with a running start, he leaps and karate kicks open the swinging bathroom door).

Me: (shakes head) I will forever have this image of you stamped on my brain.

Girl Things

We arrive at the grocery store…

Me: Dang, I have to pee!

Little Man: Seriously?

Me: Yes.

LM: Every girl in the world has to pee as soon as she leaves the house!

Me: That’s right, deal with it!

On Punctuality

LM: We’re going to get to school too late.

Me: No, we’re not. We’re on time.

LM: But I wanted to play outside with my friends before school starts.

Me: If you want to get to school earlier to play outside, what do you have to do?

LM: We have to drive faster.

On the Law

Little Man: (singing) I fought the law, and the law won.

Me: Of course the law won. Your mother’s an attorney. To quote Judge Dredd, “I am the law!”

Little Man: (shakes head).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!