Writing Tip Wednesday: Pare down your life to focus on writing

Pare down your life

With everything that’s currently going on, especially the fact that most of us are quarantined or semi-quarantined and have had to forego our regularly scheduled activities, it seems like a good time to review our lives and pare them down.

By “pare your life down,” I mean to take stock of your life and what you give your time and attention to. Take a page from Scorpio’s playbook. Scorpio people subconsciously engage in this process where they take stock of their lives and let go of things and people that no longer have meaning for them. This process is purely instinctual and most Scorpios don’t even realize that they do it; it’s second nature to them. This is the process you need to consider.

If you live in an urban, overachieving environment like I do, then you are likely constantly pressured to engage in all sorts of activities and commit your time and attention to a variety of things. You are likely also constantly asked to “help” with things. As a result, you are constantly on the move, constantly dividing your attention, and constantly frazzled. You are constantly busy.

The draw of wanting to be busy

I hate that word, busy. As my sister notes, please don’t answer the question “how are you?” with “I’m busy.” Busy does not describe how you are doing; it describes what you are doing.

Where I live, being “busy” is a sign of importance. People work full-time, parent, volunteer, plan trips, hang out with friends, commit to everything (say yes to everything!), and do all kinds of stuff. I often hear, “I’m too busy,” or “Oh, I’m so busy!” As if the more stuff you have on your plate, the more important you are.

I’ve got news for you. That’s not the case. So it’s time to stop. When people ask you to do something (e.g. socialize, commit to some project), and you don’t want to, practice saying, “I’m sorry. I’m not able to.” You do not owe anyone any explanation.

You are allowed to say No

Make a list of everything that you do in your life. Make a list of everything to which you commit. Does everything that you do bring fulfillment? If not, then why do you do it? If you dread, e.g., volunteering for a particular activity, why are you doing it? If you committed your time to someone but didn’t really want to, then why did you say yes? I have many friends (mostly women) who have a hard time saying No to people. They commit to all sorts of activities that they don’t want to do.

Here’s an example from my life. Several years ago, I met a professional woman through a group I volunteered) for. When we introduced ourselves to the group (something introverts hate, by the way), I introduced myself as a corporate attorney who also does some pro bono legal work when I can. Several weeks later, this lady called me to ask for my help with a legal case. If I remember correctly, she was charged with consumer debt. I gave her the contact information of the legal services office I volunteered for, but this lady was not low-income, so she did not qualify for free legal assistance.

Over the course of several weeks, she texted and called me to ask me questions about her case and talk to me at length. At that time, I was going through a difficult time in my life. Her pursuit of my services, and her demands on my time, drained my energy. One day, I had had enough. When she texted to ask yet another (free) legal question, I texted her back and said “I’m sorry, but I am unable to help you. Best of luck to you.” This lady laid me out and was  upset, telling me that “all she wanted was my guidance” (yeah, right, she really wanted free legal help), and that I had told her I was a pro bono attorney (Note: that does NOT mean that I am REQUIRED to help anyone, much less for free! This is my day job, through which I pay the bills and support my family, not to mention repay my six figures in law-school debt). Can you imagine the gall of someone like that? She felt entitled to my time and attention and legal expertise FOR FREE.

My point is, many people (mostly women, in my experience), say Yes to commit to things when they want to say No in order to avoid the other person getting angry. I’m here to tell you: You are allowed to say No. If they get angry, that is their problem, not yours. No one is entitled to your time and attention (okay, your partner and kids should obviously be getting some of your time and attention, but beyond that, and your day job, that’s it). And if you need help learning how to say No, my friend and fellow author Joanne van Leerdam recently released a fantastic book on this subject.

And women are natural helpers. We like to help and, frankly, many people take advantage of this tendency. Often, when people ask for “help,” they really want you to do things for them for free, at your energy expense, even though they have the capacity to do it themselves. This is not helping, it is enabling. And we want to empower, not enable! Tell them where to get the tools to do what they need to do, don’t do it for them (certainly not for capable adults).

Please don’t be afraid to say No and to cut things (and people) out of your life.

Now is the time to take stock of everything in your life…

…and cut out the fat, just like a Scorpio does. No one burns bridges like a Scorpio. If you need help with this process, ask your resident Scorpion. And, if there are things that you want to cut out, then cut them out! Stop volunteering, stop committing to projects, stop “helping” if it is exhausting you.

One of the questions I am often asked is, “How do you do everything that you do?” The answer is pretty simple. I make time for only those things that I want to make time for. I give my time and attention to only those things that I want to give my time and attention to. If I don’t feel like going to some event or committing my time or helping someone with something, I say, “Sorry, I’m not able to.” No explanation necessary.

If I don’t feel like washing dishes and I want to play video games with my kid, then I play video games. The dishes will be there later, who cares? People have told me, “Oh you should always go to bed with a clean kitchen.” Um, no, thanks. After a full day of working, writing, editing/proofreading, cooking, walking the dogs, etc., the last thing I want to do is clean the d*mn kitchen. And the only person who has any authority to tell me what I do with my time is ME.

Do less and get less scattered

When we constantly divide our attention among many things, we become scattered and mentally and physically drained. Then we wind up without energy for the things that we really want to do. We have ALL felt this way at some point (especially us poor air signs. I had to rally at the end of the workday to write this blog post!).

See, everyone complains about adulting. But the truth is, the fact that I’m an adult means that I get to do what I want, and that is awesome. If I feel like playing video games all day, then that’s what I’ll do. If I feel like doing yoga and working on my next novel and letting the dishes pile up, then that’s what I’ll do. That independence is extremely valuable to me.

Remember:

1. The only person who has authority to dictate how you spend your time is YOU.
2. Get rid of energy vampires who demand your time and attention.
3. Say No when you want to say No. Check out my friend Joanne van Leerdam’s book on this subject.

Happy Writing!!