What is your Teen really telling you when they roll their eyes?

What is your teen really communicating to you when they scoff and roll their eyes when you give them a piece of advice?

Or, gasp! ask them to take a walk with you, or to participate in family time? No joke, we call it “forced family time” in my house!

Isn’t it disrespect?

It is easy for us parents to assume that teens are disrespecting us. And yes, nobody likes it when someone else rolls their eyes when they say something. I’ve heard parents say, “An employer wouldn’t tolerate the eye roll!”

Yes, that’s true. But we’re not our teens’ employers. We are their parents. It is not (and should not be) the same relationship. I have an alternative way of framing the eye roll, one that does not assume disrespect and that preserves the parent-teen relationship.

What does the eye roll really mean?

First, a teen’s eye roll communicates to us that they are comfortable doing this in front of us. They feel safe conveying that they are annoyed. Would you be comfortable doing this if you were yelled at every time? Probably not (or you would hide the eye roll, and parents would miss this piece of communication).

Second, they are rolling their eyes because it’s a way of communicating opposition to and differentiation from parents. And guess what? That is developmentally normal for teens at this time in their lives. It doesn’t mean that it’s not frustrating for parents. It’s tied in with the natural separation from parents that teens progressively experience.

Third, deep down teens truly want their parents to fight for them. They want to know that they have unconditional love and support from parents, no matter their behavior or how they treat the parents. Never stop trying to connect. Never stop fighting. Never stop making plans for “forced family time.”

This may seem counterintuitive. After all, why do teens seem to push parents away if they really want closeness? Remember that teens do not yet have the emotional maturity of adults. Also, part of this process is to make sure that parents walk the walk and love their teens no matter what.

Fight for your teen

Teens can be difficult to read. Sometimes they want to act cool and detached, but they are actually having fun and appreciating the presence of the parents. I suggest that you roll with this and do not make comments about how sullen or detached or annoyed the teen seems. Roll with the activity, ask your teen to participate, and have a good time.

A teen I know went on a guided nature hike with his family. His parents told me how his posture and demeanor were not negative or irritated, but they were detached and reserved (arms crossed, didn’t say much, etc.). The parents decided to say nothing about it, and to continue the hike. The guide made a point of asking the teen questions, and the teen gradually participated more. After the hike was over and the family was in the car, the teen said, “That was fun and the guide was really nice.” If the parents had made a big deal about the teen’s detached manner, they would have missed this important piece of information, that the teen got something out of the experience and had actually enjoyed it.

*There’s another lesson in there about how teens tend to cooperate more freely when they feel as if the adult cares about them and their opinions, but that’s for another day 🙂

Remember when your kid was a toddler and started to walk everywhere? They wanted to explore, then would come back to you to make sure you were still there. Your teen is similar. They go do their thing, go out with friends or try a new activity, then they test to make sure that the parent is still present, both physically and emotionally (that they still have the “secure base” as psychologists put it). When they feel secure that the parent still loves them, they feel comfortable going out on their own again.

Your teen is testing how you react to them individuating. To them separating from you. Teens may not realize it at first (or until they leave home and are really alone), but this process of separation is difficult for them, too.

Need help?

This process of separating from parents takes place over years. So ask yourself: when your teen comes back to you to make sure you are still emotionally present, and makes a bid for connection such as asking you to watch TV with them or sharing something personal, how do you respond? Because your response is the foundation for the health of the relationship. And I can help. Reach out directly at Work with Me – Law School Heretic