What is authoritative parenting and why is it the gold standard?

Recent studies linking parenting styles to adult self-esteem and adjustment make note of four main parenting approaches.

*Authoritarian parenting – demanding and unresponsive

*Authoritative parenting – demanding and responsive

*Permissive parenting – undemanding and responsive

*Neglectful parenting – undemanding and unresponsive

Of these four types, authoritative parenting is the gold standard, the ideal to which all parents should strive. Authoritative parenting is noted to be both demanding and responsive.

What does it mean to be demanding?

By demanding, we mean that authoritative parents set firm rules and boundaries. Further, those rules and boundaries are not arbitrary, and are in the best interests of the children.

By the way, to understand the difference between a rule and a boundary, and how to set them, check out my video on Boundaries for Parents here.

Parents who institute arbitrary rules that do not benefit the children risk alienating the children and losing the their trust, especially as kids become older and savvier.

What does it mean to be responsive?

Responsive parents:

• Are emotionally available to their kids
• Listen without judgment
• Listen to understand
• Are genuinely interested in and curious about their kids’ experiences
• Emotionally validate their kids’ experiences
• Explain the reasons for the rules and boundaries
• Solicit input and cooperation from kids rather than making unilateral demands.

Responsiveness is key. If responsiveness did not matter in raising kids to be well-adjusted adults, then orphanages would be perfect parents.

In contrast, authoritarian parents do not allow their kids to make their own decisions. Kids who are not permitted to flex their decision-making muscles and boundary-setting at home typically either 1) give up their autonomy to others too easily as adults; or 2) rebel and leave the family fold too early, thereby failing to benefit from parental guidance and support.

On how to get started teaching your adolescents and teens how to have healthy boundaries, see my TEDx talk here.

Benefits of authoritative parenting

Recent studies regarding parenting styles indicate that authoritative parenting leads to kids who have increased self-esteem as adults. Authoritative parenting is also associated with better decision-making and reduced usage of drugs and alcohol. For a sample of these published studies, see here and here.

In a world where teens are experiencing decreased self-esteem and difficulty coping with life’s stressors, the benefits of authoritative parenting are needed more than ever. To learn more about this approach and how I can help your family, email me on maria@lawschoolheretic.com.

Bottom line

While we strive to be authoritative parents, we do not always get it right. I certainly don’t. Many parents tend to be either too permissive or too authoritarian at times. Either tendency is usually rooted in emotional triggers. Either fear or anger, or both.

We’re fallible human beings, not machines. There will be days when we are so tired that we cannot get things right, when we don’t enforce the rules and our boundaries, when we skew too authoritarian or too permissive (something I talk about a lot on my YouTube channel because I tend to be an inconsistent, conflict-avoidant parent who is sometimes too permissive). Authoritative parenting is what we are striving for over the long term.

But it’s not about being perfect parents. It’s about doing our best, rethinking our decisions, and allowing open dialogue with our children.