Why your Teen won’t Talk to You (and what to do about it)

This is a common complaint I hear from parents of teens.

“I want to know what’s going on with my teen, what’s important to them, what they think. But they won’t say anything! Or they shrug and say, ‘I don’t know.’ How do I get them to open up?”

First, this is a common phenomenon. Teens are going through the process of separating from parents and becoming more independent. As a result, they may be less forthcoming with parents. Read on to find out why.

Teens want privacy

Teens are figuring things out for themselves. They are going through momentous physical, emotional, and psychological changes at this time. To do so, they need space and privacy.

When I hear parents say things like, “My teen doesn’t have any privacy while they live in my home,” that is, frankly, a horrible message. You can have appropriate rules in place at home, such as rules regarding social media and phone use, and still respect a teen’s privacy.

Teens want to work out problems for themselves

Teens often do not want help from parents because they are motivated to be independent and figure things out for themselves. Yes, parents likely know better because we have more years of experience. But it is imperative that we do not rob our teens of the opportunity to problem-solve for themselves.

So let your teen work it out on their own and tell them that you are available if they need help or want to ask your opinion on something. If your teen is not allowed to flex these skills at home with you, then they will have a more difficult time doing so as adults when parents are not around to advocate for them.

There are certainly times when parents need to step in, even with teens. To know when it’s appropriate to do that in a way that honors your teen’s autonomy, please reach out on maria@lawschoolheretic.com

Teens seek to avoid criticism and overreaction

It may be that when your teen opened up to you in the past, they were met with criticism or emotional overreaction. Clearly, this is an uncomfortable situation.

Have you ever avoided communicating with another adult, maybe a partner or parent or friend, because you knew that they would not approve of what you would communicate, and/or they would criticize you or tell you all the reasons why you were wrong?

And how did you feel when that person reacted in that way?

You likely felt shut down and invalidated.

Think about that next time your teen shares something with you that they know you will not like.

Teens seek to avoid invalidation

Likewise, if the parent dismisses the issue or offers empty reassurances, teens learn that they cannot count on parents for support. When I shared with my mother that I felt bad and didn’t want to go to middle school because I was being bullied for getting good grades, she shrugged, turned away, and said, ‘Just ignore them.’ I quickly learned that I would get no help or support from her, and was left to fend for myself.

Instead, parents can offer support making heartfelt statements such as, “That must be difficult,” “I’m so sorry that happened,” and “I don’t understand why people can be so mean sometimes.” Parents can give their teens full attention when they decide to share something with them. And parents can ask if teens want their help in handling a situation.

How to encourage your teen to talk to you

Do NOT pressure them to talk. Do NOT ask them why they won’t talk. Do NOT even ask them when they will be ready to talk (they probably don’t know!).

Instead, create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up to you.

AND let them know that you are available to talk. It could be as simple as, “You do not have to share if you’re not ready. You don’t even have to share at all. Just know that I am here if you would like to talk about anything, if you have any questions or if you need any help.”

When you do this, and make an invitation to them, you draw your teen toward you instead of pushing them away by pressuring them.

It may feel counterintuitive. However, when you make an invitation to connect and then give them space, they will be much more likely to freely share their experiences with you.

To get more specifics on how to do this, book a discovery call with me here !