If you’re considering moving in with a partner, blending families, or getting remarried, you’ve probably heard the standard advice:
Get a prenup.
As an attorney, I agree that prenuptial agreements, and cohabitation agreements for unmarried couples, can be extremely valuable.
But there’s something I wish more people understood:
A prenup is not a magic wand.
A legal agreement can establish your rights and obligations. What it cannot necessarily do is easily unwind the financial life you’ve created together.
Even with a prenup, parents often face the overwhelming stress of how to wind up assets when keeping it together emotionally for their children. Do not underestimate the toll all of this takes on your energy and well-being.
You got the prenup, which is a great first step. Now: what else do you need to do to protect the wealth you’ve created for yourself and your children?
You Can Be Great at Making Money and Still Have Poor Money Boundaries
I recently spoke about this at the Wealth Accelerator Summit, hosted by high-net-worth strategist Cory Vance, in a conversation about how to talk to your partner about money boundaries.
One of the summit’s messages particularly resonated with me:
You can fail at almost everything else and still become a millionaire.
I’d add something to that:
You can make relationship mistakes and still build—and protect—wealth.
Many of the parents I work with are successful, intelligent, high-achieving individuals.
They know how to make money.
They know how to run businesses, build careers, invest, save and take care of their families.
But put them in an intimate relationship, and something changes.
They become afraid of rocking the boat.
They worry about seeming selfish or controlling.
They manage their partner’s expectations.
They anticipate their partner’s emotions.
And sometimes they agree to financial arrangements that they aren’t comfortable with because having the difficult conversation feels worse in the moment than saying yes.
For people recovering from complex trauma, protecting money boundaries can be particularly difficult.
When People-Pleasing Becomes Expensive
Complex trauma can teach us that maintaining connection requires keeping other people happy.
We may become extraordinarily good at reading the room.
We notice someone’s disappointment before they say a word.
We anticipate conflict.
And we learn to change our own behavior to prevent it.
That survival strategy may once have served an important purpose.
But when we carry it into our adult financial relationships, it can become very expensive.
We aren’t simply deciding whether we want to combine finances.
We’re thinking:
Will they be upset if I say no?
Will they think I don’t trust them?
Will they think I’m planning for the relationship to fail?
Will this create an argument?
Am I being selfish?
Suddenly, we’re no longer making a financial decision.
We’re managing another person’s emotional response to our financial decision.
That’s why you cannot build real wealth without first establishing and protecting your money boundaries.
Decide Your Money Dealbreakers Before You Need Them
Before you decide how to structure money with another person, you need to understand what you want.
Ask yourself:
- When do I want to retire?
- What are my savings goals?
- How much debt am I comfortable carrying?
- What kind of lifestyle do I want?
- Do I want to be debt-free?
- Do I want to stay home with children for some period of time?
- How much financial independence do I need?
- What am I, and what am I not, willing to risk financially for a relationship?
There isn’t one correct answer.
For example, one of my personal financial boundaries has always been maintaining separate accounts and retaining independent authority over my own money.
Someone else may be perfectly comfortable combining everything.
The point isn’t determining which arrangement is morally superior.
The question is:
What financial structure allows you to build the life you want while maintaining the degree of security and autonomy that you need?
You can’t communicate that boundary until you’ve identified it.
Why Prenups Don’t Always Protect People the Way They Expect
This is where my perspective as an attorney becomes important.
I’m a believer in prenuptial agreements.
But I also think people sometimes expect far more from them than a legal document can realistically accomplish.
A prenup can establish who is entitled to what.
It doesn’t magically unwind assets.
It doesn’t automatically sell real property.
It doesn’t necessarily prevent disputes over valuation.
And most importantly:
It cannot guarantee cooperation.
Imagine that you and your partner own a home together.
The relationship ends.
Neither person can afford to maintain the property indefinitely.
One person wants to sell.
The other doesn’t.
Now what?
Or perhaps assets need to be valued, transferred, refinanced or sold.
One person wants to move quickly.
The other doesn’t.
There are numerous ways a determined person can delay the process of disentangling a financial life.
And once that happens, you may find yourself in the exact position you thought the prenup protected against:
Paying attorneys and litigating.
The prenup may ultimately establish your legal rights.
But you may still have to spend considerable time and money enforcing them.
That’s why the conversation must not stop with:
“Do I need a prenup?”
Think About Structure, Not Just Documents
Instead, I encourage people to think about three things:
Legal protection + financial structure + money boundaries.
A prenup or cohabitation agreement may be part of your legal protection.
But then consider the structure you’re actually creating.
Will you maintain separate accounts?
Will you have a joint household account?
How will major expenses be divided?
How will real estate be titled?
Will you purchase property together?
How will debt be handled?
What happens if one partner stops working?
How will each person’s retirement goals be protected?
And here’s a question people rarely want to contemplate while they’re happily building a relationship:
What would this financial arrangement look like if we needed to unwind it?
That’s not pessimism.
It’s risk management.
We routinely plan for risks we hope will never materialize.
Relationships shouldn’t require us to abandon that principle.
Have the Difficult Conversation Early
There’s another reason I strongly recommend having these conversations before moving in together, buying property, combining finances or marrying.
The conversation itself gives you information.
You aren’t merely listening to your partner’s answers.
You’re watching how your partner responds when you express a boundary.
Can they tolerate disagreement?
Do they become defensive?
Do they try to change your mind?
Do they shame you?
Do they respect your autonomy?
Can the two of you approach a disagreement collaboratively?
That information may be far more valuable than whether your partner initially agrees with you.
Because boundaries aren’t truly tested when everyone agrees.
They’re tested when someone doesn’t get what they want.
Watch Behavior, Not Just Promises
You can also learn an enormous amount simply by observing how someone already lives.
How do they use credit?
How do they approach debt?
Do they save?
Do their spending habits match the lifestyle they claim to want?
Do their financial behaviors align with their stated goals?
This isn’t about judging another person.
Two perfectly responsible people can have completely incompatible approaches to money.
Your job isn’t to determine whether their approach is objectively right or wrong.
Your job is to determine:
Can I live with this person’s financial behavior without sacrificing the future I want for myself and my children?
That’s a money boundary.
The Two-Yes Rule
One simple principle couples can use is the Two-Yes Rule.
For significant financial decisions that affect both people, you need two yeses.
If one person says no, the answer—for now—is no.
That doesn’t mean the subject can never be discussed again.
It means one person’s discomfort isn’t something the other person gets to override simply because they want a different outcome.
For people who have spent much of their lives people-pleasing, this can feel radically different.
You’re no longer responsible for making the other person comfortable with your boundary.
You’re responsible for communicating it respectfully.
Wealth Is Also the Freedom to Say No
We tend to talk about wealth in terms of numbers.
Income.
Net worth.
Investments.
Retirement accounts.
Real estate.
But I think there’s another component of wealth that doesn’t receive enough attention:
Autonomy.
Can you make decisions based on what is right for you and your children rather than what you’re afraid someone else will think, say or do?
Can you tolerate someone’s disappointment without abandoning your own financial goals?
Can you love someone without handing them responsibility for your financial security?
Those are wealth-building skills, too.
And particularly for parents recovering from complex trauma, developing them can change far more than a bank balance.
Watch My Wealth Accelerator Summit Conversation for Free
I recently explored all of this in much greater depth during my Wealth Accelerator Summit interview with high-net-worth strategist Cory Vance: How to Talk to Your Partner About Money Boundaries.
We talk about complex trauma, conflict avoidance, financial dealbreakers, prenups, property ownership, protecting wealth, and the conversations I believe couples should have before combining their financial lives.
I’ve made the complete interview available free exclusively inside my Skool community.
If you’re dating, considering moving in together, blending families, contemplating remarriage—or simply realizing that it’s time to become clearer about your own money boundaries—I invite you to
You can make relationship mistakes (I certainly have!) and still build wealth.
You can start over and still create financial security.
And you can build a loving relationship without surrendering your financial autonomy in the process.
